The following words are obviously satirical
Not only is Adam Gase set to become the Miami Dolphins’ 10th coach since Don Shula retired in 1995, but America’s most polarizing quarterback is set to join him in stud muffin Tim Tebow.
The former “quarterback” of the Gators, Broncos, Jets, Patriots and Eagles who throws the pigskin like it weighs 35 pounds is joining his former coach in Miami with the intent of beginning next season atop the Dolphins’ depth chart — above incumbent Ryan Tannehill. During the interview process, Gase spoke confidently of transforming Tebow from NFL afterthought to franchise quarterback. It titillated Stephen Ross to such an extent, it led to the Dolphins owner naming Gase his No. 1 target.
The scoop comes from a highly trusted source named Helga, one of Ross’ housekeepers at his Manhattan penthouse. She overheard him talking about Tebow in a phone call to Dolphins GM Mike Tannenbaum, pointing to Tebow’s popularity leading to booming ticket sales and merchandising. The team will officially announce the Tebow signing in a press conference next week.
There was a major hurdle before landing Tebow and it revolved around the temptations of South Beach. Tebow, a virgin and devout Christian, stressed to Gase his worry about living and playing in “the devil’s playground.” Gase had to explain to Tebow the Dolphins don’t actually play anywhere near South Beach and neither do the Heat, no matter what ESPN will have the world believe. A perplexed Tebow agreed but only after telling Gase he would come to Miami under one condition: If he were to succumb to South Beach’s poisonous hands and lose his celibacy, Gase is to “lay waste to his tainted soul and end his time in our world.”
Welcome to the Magic City, Tim Tebow.