With each passing day I grow more and more agitated over what I’m paying for cable considering I BARELY USE IT.

Like ever. Unless it’s for live sports… or a Real Housewives reunion show or something. Netflix, Amazon, and illegal movie-watching is my thing, like many of you.

Last night I called Uverse for the 10th time in two months to attempt to lower my bill from the blasphemous $150 a month I’m forking over for a low-tier cable package and snailnet, AT&T’s sorry excuse for the internet.

Tom was my customer service rep and during our friendly chat I found he was based in Cleveland. Before parting ways after learning I couldn’t lower my bill any further because cable companies enjoy clenching your balls — got a one-time $10 discount though! — I said, “well at least you’ve got LeBron.”

His response: “Yeah, he hasn’t brought us any championships like he did with you guys.”

Tom is an ungrateful turd, like two-thirds of Cleveland’s fan base.

Anyways, so the LeBron-could-leave-Cleveland talk started bubbling again and I thought who better to help our investigation than folks like Tom. Because it’s not like Stephen A. or Windhorst or Broussard really know anything at this point.

So I queued up a bunch of live chats with various cable companies (and banks, clothing chains, etc.) and started our in-depth investigation, which covered LeBron’s inability to hit in the clutch and his future.

No idea why I went down this rabbit hole — maybe it was cable sorrows + whiskey — but LeBron James is indeed taking his talents back to South Beach, per Alex of Bank of America.

Note: These are real chats and not altered in any way.

AT&T

ATT

Nordstrom

Nordstrom

Dick’sDicks

Bank of Americaboa

Comcast

Comcast

DishDish

My mother’s name is not Kathleen and she never beat me.