Yesterday our dear friend Aaron Goldhammer of ESPN Cleveland let loose with the kind of batshit, unhinged, nonsensical tantrum you can only get from a sports-talk radio personality forced to live his life in a city like Cleveland.
In it, he criticized the people of Miami for being bullies, harshly referring to us as “not great people;” he ranted angrily about our perfect weather and delightful restaurants; and he even threatened to—GASP!—block people on Twitter. It really was a first-rate meltdown and if you haven’t experienced it yet, I cannot recommend doing so enough.
It really warms the cockles.
And that’s where this story should have ended. Aaron calls us bullies, we make fun of him for pronouncing “memes” as “mems” and that’s that. The problem, though, is that (1) like he said, we’re bullies; and (2) we also maybe, kind of, sort of stumbled upon this, from 2010:
Are you currently wondering if that link leads to one of those awkward, single-scene, dating questionnaires that city magazines do with local, young professionals from time to time? Because it totally does. And it totally spotlights whiny troll Aaron Goldhammer.
And, listen, I don’t wanna waste any more time trying to sell this, because there are single women out there who are probably dying to know what turns this elf of a man on. Shall we go ahead and post some of the highlights from this super sexy profile, ladies? Indeed, we shall.
Something most people don’t know about me: I would say that most people don’t know I’m a very good pianist.
Trust me, Aaron, we all know you’re a huge pianist.
My cell phone: I just got an iPhone 3GS and I love it. My whole life is in it. I really love it because it’s so functional. There’s nothing I would ever want this phone to do that it can’t. I use my computer so much less. I can e-mail, do Facebook, directions, weather; it’s a camera.
Aaron can do Facebook on the internets. Can you do Facebook on the internets?
Biggest turnoff: Two things — smoking and Uggs. I’m very low-key and tucking your jeans into your Uggs is a deal-breaker.
I do like that the guy with that haircut and sweater is picky about how a girl wears her Uggs.
My favorite… dessert: I’m pretty simple when it comes to dessert. My favorite dessert is hanging out on the couch with a bag of Starbursts, the original, cherry or strawberry.
Never mind, ladies. I take this all back. There’s a 72-percent chance that Aaron is a legit psychopath.
My best feature: Hair. It’s curly, it’s kind of big, it’s kind of busy. It’s been described as an Anderson Varejao ’fro. It’s brown, and when I’m thinking or nervous or on the air or questioning something, I’m playing with it. People joke that I twirl it all the time. It’s my most disgusting habit ever, but it’s something that people know me for. “The Cleveland Hair Twirl” is my fantasy football name.
“The Cleveland Hair Twirl” is also a repulsive sex act that features two nipple clamps, grape jelly and a blue-ringed octopus. (And if it isn’t, can someone pleeeeaaaaase go add that to Urban Dictionary real quick?)
My first kiss: Samantha Gergans. I was in eighth grade, and she was a girl who I met when I was in middle school at piano camp.
I feel like there’s more to this story. I’ve seen American Pie. (Also, hi Samantha! This isn’t awkward.)
Believe it or not, there’s so much more in there, but you have to go read the whole majestic thing for yourself. And, ladies, if you happen to be interested in getting to know Aaron’s “Goldhammer” a little more, there’s a helpful, not-at-all-mortifying email address right there at the bottom of the page where you can reach him:
Fine, maybe we are bullies.