Sun Life Stadium is no more and the Miami Dolphins are looking for a new naming-rights sponsor for their renovated stadium in Miami Gardens.
This got me thinking about potential sponsors. Not any random company merely willing to pony up the funds necessary to plaster its brand on the home of the Dolphins and Miami Hurricanes, a structure that might (or probably) be cursed.
No, we’re looking at sponsors that would make sense in other ways, though Dave George’s “No-Name Stadium” has a nice ring to it.
Honorable Mention: US Airways Stadium (US-eless Airways),
Comcast, like every cable/internet company, is not a dependable product but it is one you need.
There’s no getting around to life without internet and cable (for now) in your home and rotten
thieves companies like Comcast have customers by the balls.
Dolphins fans have a similar relationship with their team. The product has been garbage but with the NFL being the country’s most popular sport it’s one you feel like you need. No matter how much pain is inflicted, we just can’t quit you, Dolphins.
Did you know there’s a website called Comcast Sucks Balls?
Ben & Jerry’s Stadium
It makes sense from a post-game standpoint — soothe away the pain from getting your ass stomped by Tom Brady and the Patriots with a good ole pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
Half Baked is their best flavor, bar none — I don’t want to hear counter arguments.
Red Lobster Stadium
Red Lobster looks decent in the commercials, gets undeserved hype, and might even taste okay in the restaurant, but sooner or later it’s going to give you a heart attack.
Every summer the Dolphins Hype Machine is reignited — they often look good on paper but by the end of the season they will always crush your soul.
Natural Light Stadium
Natty tastes like piss.
So do annual December meltdowns.
We save the most sensible for last.
Why Everclear? Because it’s bottled as high as 190-proof and it’s more rubbing alcohol than spirit.
It goes down how I imagine chugging a jar of thumb tacks would. The first reaction upon ingestion is to throw up. This makes Everclear the perfect fit for the Miami Dolphins.
Reach out with any other recommendations in the comments or on Twitter and we’ll be sure to add them below:
Florida Lottery Stadium
— Da Macker (@macker_da) March 29, 2016
Poo Pourri Park
I'm all-in with the Dolphins playing at Poo-Pourri Park. Gotta do something to neutralize that stench. https://t.co/42jLF37UvU
— adam smoot 183 (@adamsmoot) March 29, 2016
Dolphins Stadium II
Some solid names right here. I'd also throw in "Dolphins Stadium II" because sequels are never good. https://t.co/aYf8HBGWwA
— Tito Benach (@TitoBenach) March 29, 2016
the dating site Lowered Expectations would be a perfect fit https://t.co/GSp3meFoa8
— Classier Guy (@PantsFreeZone) March 29, 2016
Florida Dolphin Poop
— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) March 29, 2016
@joshbaumgard Brazzers Stadium, because there are always so many holes to fill
— Jason Behr (@JasonBehr) March 29, 2016
Chicken of the Sea Stadium
@SliceMiami Chicken of the Sea
— Ryan Yousefi (@Rizzmigizz) March 30, 2016