Dallas Thomas remains with the Miami Dolphins’ 1s.

I repeat: Dallas Turnstile Thomas continues to be the starting left guard for the Miami Dolphins.

This is despite the latest evidence from the first preseason game being he is indeed still all kinds of no bueno.

Multiply that play by about 300 and you’ll truly immerse yourself in the Dallas Thomas Experience, which somehow has lasted 25 starts over the last two seasons and hasn’t led to the paralysis of quarterback Ryan Tannehill.

Thomas couldn’t protect a sleeping infant. He would see an ant and sluggishly slide towards the baby’s defense, slipping on his own account and crushing the infant in its cradle, much like even the league’s weakest lineman crush Tannehill’s ribs on the regular at Thomas’ expense.

There can be only four reasons why this man is still remains at the top of the depth chart — the position of left lard — on this roster. This is despite spending their 13th overall pick on Laremy Tunsil, a player many considered a Top 3 prospect in the draft. While I think it’s wise make rookies earn their spot, Tunsil needs all the experience he can get in both practice and the preseason, going against other team’s first string, not merely because he’s a rookie but because he’s undergoing a position change from outside to inside.

Meanwhile, the biggest winner is right guard Billy Turner, who is nearly as putrid, but has Thomas to thank for overshadowing his stench.

1. Dallas Thomas has damning evidence of his bosses

This is our most likely scenario.

Perhaps Dallas walked in on Ross and Tannenbaum mid-coitus one summer afternoon at the team headquarters in Davie and snapped a few pictures.

2. Adam Gase is a mole

The Patriots have deployed Gase to ensure the Dolphins remain a perpetually mediocre laughing stock not out of necessity but out of personal pleasure.

A bully doesn’t need to prey on the weak but he wants to, because he can. When something smells afoul, you could do worse than blame Bill Belichick.

3. It’s a learning exercise for Tunsil

Maybe keeping Thomas with the starters — for now — is merely an act of showing the rookie Tunsil what not to do as an offensive guard.

I’m not a big fan of negative learning but if this is indeed the case, it’d be the most welcoming scenario.

4. Dallas Thomas is a hypnotist

And he has removed voluntary action of his bosses when it comes to adjusting his name on the team depth chart.

Has anyone seen Office Space? IF a man can be convinced to give no shits about his job and that he’s been fishing all day instead of hammering out TPS reports, Dr. Thomas hypnotizing his coach and GM is certainly within the realm of feasibility.