We’re going to be unleashing a weekly preview a few days before each Miami Dolphins game this season.
Why? Because this franchise, while inept in recent memory and a continuous source of frustration and pain, continues to suck us in each year with a new sense of hope because most of us are simple cave men who have nothing better to do on our Sunday afternoons than eat, drink, and soak up some skull-crunching football.
There will be moderate roasting involved.
The opponent: The Seattle Seahawks
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) September 8, 2016
The quarterback: Russell Wilson
The hope is all that honeymoon humping with Ciara has rattled this newly married QB’s brain, creating a fuzzy, post-concussion like effect.
Here’s why the duo didn’t have premarital sex, per the Sun:
He said: “[Ciara] was on tour, and I was looking at her in the mirror, and God spoke to me.
“He said, ‘I need you to lead her.’ I told her, ‘What would you do if we took all that “extra stuff” off the table, and just did it Jesus’ way?’
I’m pretty sure even Jesus would’ve been playing twenty toes with Ciara if given the opportunity. Russell Wilson could be even phonier than J.J. Watt.
He posts all these pictures with sick children on his Instagram, broadcasting to the world what a great person he is. I bet he also brought his teacher an apple every morning in first grade and told on the kid who was eating boogers.
His Instagram handle is dangerusswilson for heaven’s sake. His middle name is Carrington.
I don’t believe for a second he didn’t fornicate with Ciara before the wedding. Check out the look on his face from last February.
That’s the face of a man who just got some in the car ride over and is thirsting for dessert.
The coach: Peter Clay Carroll
Pete Carroll looks like a guy who runs a Dojo for 8 year old yellow belts. pic.twitter.com/6NxlQKsP2W
— What He Looks Like (@WhatHeLooksLike) December 30, 2015
Drink of the game: MIA’s Tourist Trappe
I popped open one of these babies during the preseason and it did not disappoint. After my second can, with its 10 percent alcohol content, I was seeing multiple Dick Stocktons and this was a pleasure.
A perfect beer for numbing the pain.
The pick: Seahawks, 30-20
I like the Dolphins to barely cover the whopping 10.5 points given in Vegas but they’ll fall short where it counts.
The Seahawks have lost five times at home — in four years.
Football Focus considers Seattle’s offensive line the worst in the NFL, but it won’t matter because Wilson is savvy enough to exploit a weak secondary and a shaky linebacking corps
and have premarital sexual intercourse with Ciara and Miami’s offense won’t be able to keep up.