The Miami Dolphins, a team that would be winless right now if not for a three-point overtime victory over the Cleveland BROWNS last weekend, take its marginal talents to Cincinnati tonight for what could be a historically painful game of Thursday Night Football.
Here are some quick tips for minimizing the frustration and numbing the inevitable pain.
1 – DVR is your friend
I know it can be sort of fun to follow the game live so you can BS with your friends and family via text or join in the sorrow of fellow Dolphins fans on Twitter but this guide is for the most efficient way of digesting this game. And it ain’t three-plus hours.
Smart Dolphins fans record the game and start it 90 minutes after kickoff — with an extra hour or two on the backend just in case we visit Thursday Night Football’s worst-case scenario: OVERTIME — so they can digest this Tannehill-Dalton pillow fight in about an hour.
If you are a stupid and stubborn fan, like myself, who will be be watching the game live, let’s all sulk together on the Twitter.
2 – Prepare for the Dallas Thomas Experience 😨
There’s a good chance Dallas Thomas sees action tonight with the team battling a slew of injuries up front. Just as you’d have tons of water and batteries in advance of a hurricane, it’s wise to stock up on booze for the Dallas Thomas Experience.
In the scenario that he’s our starting guard, load up on whiskey and stock the fridge with only beer that has an alcohol content of eight percent or higher. It’s critical to ingest the booze at least 30 minutes before kickoff. Think of it like putting on sunscreen before you go to the beach. Don’t wait or you’re going to get burned.
Now if he’s starting at tackle, whip out the rubbing alcohol. If you don’t have rubbing alcohol, ask your girl for nail polish remover (it’s got acetone).
If you don’t drink, what are you doing still watching this team? Pick a new one or have a heart attack.
3 – Don’t blame Tannehill
Unless Ryan Tannehill comes out looking like John Beck, please don’t pile it all on our poor quarterback, who may very well be nothing but average in the end, but this is a game of three phases after all.
He also won’t have much to work with. The Dolphins were banged up even before the overtime contest against the Browns on Sunday and after just three days rest are operating with the following injury report:
— David Dwork (@DavidDwork) September 28, 2016
Of their starters, four are out, one is doubtful, and NINE others are questionable. Even the cheating, age-defying Tom Brady couldn’t overcome that.
In the unlikely scenario that the Dolphins win, it will be finally clear that Ryan Tannehill is in fact an elite quarterback.
4 – Place many, many bets
Since we’ve established this game is very unlikely to be entertaining, we must provide secondary sources to keep us motivated. Enter gambling.
It’s not a bad idea to place a bet on the Bengals, who are favored by eight points. It’s called hedging your emotions. If you feel dirty betting against your team, place some prop bets.
Like which team will score first.
Or which team will score last.
Or will Dallas Thomas suck?
Follow these four guidelines and tonight’s game may still end up being a lousy experience for you but at least it will be less lousy.