Hurricane Matthew doesn’t stand a chance, according to Florida leadership.
Florida Governor Rick Scott may not believe in Climate Change but he apparently knows a thing or two about killing hurricanes, releasing a plan Wednesday morning vowing to “eviscerate” the looming hurricane before it threatens Florida’s eastern coast.
“I have no doubts Hurricane Matthew will be defeated,” Scott said Wednesday morning at Miami International Airport, before he prepared to board a flight to Seattle. “My team and I are on the cusp of making history. No human has ever killed a hurricane before but we know what can take the bastard down: Naled.”
Asked why he thinks the highly toxic insecticide can take down a Category 4 hurricane, Scott’s beady eyes shriveled as a confused look glossed over his face.
“Because Naled kills anything. Duh,” Scott said. “I know this because my people, along with the Florida Department of Environmental Protection, tested it on everything from mosquitos to cats to fat children last summer. ANYTHING Naled touches, it destroys, and Hurricane Matthew will be no different.”
Scott says the plan is going down Thursday evening.
“We’re going to rain 10 trillion tons of Naled from the heavens with an army of helicopters directly into Matthew’s eye before it even thinks about entering my state,” Scott says. “Upon entering the eye, the toxin will seep into the storm’s brain and it shouldn’t take long after that for that cowardly thing to lay down and die. How nobody has thought of this before is perplexing. Donald Trump and I dreamt up the idea over coffee last week.”
But what if it doesn’t work? What if instead of taking down the hurricane it merely gets spread all across Florida, posing a serious threat to the health of the state’s entire population.
“Well,” Scott says, as if this is the first time he considered such a scenario, “At least I’ll be in Seattle.”
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