Forget Zika, there’s a new lethal threat feasting on the health of Miamians across South Florida: the Miami Dolphins.
Yes, the Dolphins are winners of six consecutive games and smack dab in the middle of the AFC playoff picture but it appears there has been a damning ramification of the winning streak for its fan base.
Their immense and sudden success after decades of despair has sent fans to the emergency room in bunches.
“We’re seeing an 800 percent increase of circulatory shock cases across the Miami area,” says Joe Milbin, chief of Jackson Memorial Hospital’s trauma division. “Most cases have been Stage II, which includes oxygen deprivation in the brain, causing the patient to become confused and disoriented. It’s serious but reversible with quick treatment.
“However, we’ve seen a few Stage III cases over the last week. That’s a major concern because it’s irreversible and in many cases ends in death. I’m afraid if this team keeps the streak going, thousands of fans are going to be terminated because of it. Thank God I’m a Jets fan.”
It appears the most diehard fans are the ones being most affected, and the most susceptible to the dreaded Stage III prognosis.
“My husband, Diego, is the biggest Dolphin fan ever,” Silvia Garcia of Miami Gardens tells us. “But after the most recent win, he sit on the couch for hours without blinking and saying two word. When I have to start force-feeding him with spoon, I call 9-1-1. Doctor says he will live but that he may never be the same because the brain damage.
“¡Odio esa organización de mierda!”
Nearly a thousand fans have checked into Miami-area hospitals over the last month, according to Milbin, who is advising coach Adam Gase to lose this week on purpose to end the epidemic now before more lives are destroyed.
“I’ve put in 10 goddamn calls to Mr. Gase over the past week and all have gone unreturned,” Milbin says. “They have to lose. They have to lose NOW. He needs to put his ego aside and realize he’s putting thousands of lives at risk. The only solution is to lose now before it’s too late.”
The Miami Dolphins may be having an epic season but their sudden success is wrecking havoc on the fan base. The team is winning while the fans are losing — both their minds and lives.