I’m writing this as I head home from a weekend in New York City.
Exhausted and hungover with my wallet abused, I’ve decided to suffer through the Miami Dolphins’ radio broadcast, which the Le Batard Show shredded last week, during this monstrous game against the Baltimore Ravens that will likely expose the Dolphins as mediocre frauds despite their six-game winning streak.
Why do this? Because you people are sick.
Would comical recaps of the Dolphins' radio broadcast ("live from Palm Beach Gardens") be something you would be interested in?
— Slice Miami (@SliceMiami) November 28, 2016
Our announcers: Jimmy Cefalo, Joe Rose, and Bob Griese.
Only one is lucid.
God help me.
Note: The first quarter is being documented live from Juan’s Uber en route to JFK.
3:17 — “Flakka is really playing well,” according to Bob Griese, after Joe Flacco’s second touchdown strike.
2:05 — “The Dolphins are sleeping through this first quarter,” according to Cefalo.
I’m sleeping though this broadcast.
0:00 — “Why do you look so sad?” — Juan, the Uber driver, asks. I pull my headphones out of the phone allowing him to listen, which isn’t unlike pulling the pin out of a grenade.
This broadcast could be used as a new method of torture. It wouldn’t be as invasive as waterboarding but equally effective.
15:00 — Juan asks if I can please “for the love of God, man” plug the headphones back in. I oblige.
14:02 — Rose does a live read for diapers while I wonder if Bob gets free merchandise. It would appear Dolphins broadcasts are a cash cow for QAM as their ad-to-game ratio is at least 85 percent.
I prefer more ads.
13:31 — Ryan Tannehill launches a pass into the end zone, Cefalo informs us, but waits roughly 30 seconds after the ball is released to confirm it’s an interception. Jesus.
I’m actually surprised Cefalo’s drawn-out pauses aren’t sponsored.
Note: I’ve exited Juan’s Uber and am now in JFK
9:00 — I missed a few minutes while going through security. Those will likely end up being the happiest minutes of my Sunday.
I’m already so beaten by this broadcast, I left my suitcase at the security checkpoint, not realizing it until I got to the gate.
8:05 — “We have an injured Dolphin down and I don’t want to give a number because I can’t see who it is,” — Jimmy Cefalo with a shocker.
Isn’t it his job to know who it is?
It’s insulting to the entire sports broadcasting industry that Jimmy continues to call these games. I prefer a 22-year-old with amateur play-by-play experience, who would be ten times as qualified as Cefalo is for this gig. But clearly the Dolphins don’t care about the quality after letting Jesse Agler leave for the Padres a few years ago after wasting away as a Finsider.
0:00 — The Dolphins go into the half down 24-0 and Griese drops a fascinating, thoughtful nugget:
“The Dolphins’ offense hasn’t done anything.”
My dopamine levels are dangerously low and Griese is going to turn me into an alcoholic.
It’s not even that funny anymore — the Dolphins are doing Griese a disservice by not removing him from both the preseason TV broadcasts and this one.
It takes him a full five seconds to digest a play, not a crazy occurrence for a 71-year-old, and then it’s a coin flip to whether he says the right name. It’s like trotting out an over-the-hill Dan Marino against Jacksonville in the second round of the playoffs in 1999 — with no hands.
It’s halftime and thankfully I can’t proceed as my plane is taking off shortly. Not that I’d continue this exercise if I had the choice.
I think these broadcast diaries are about to be a thing of the past.