Every now and then I’ll come across an obscure piece of Miami sports memorabilia on Ebay or somewhere and wonder what planet the seller grew up on.

Like this Shabazz Napier signed photo during his Miami Heat days, for instance.

What individual, sane or otherwise, would ever voluntarily accept a signed Shabazz Napier photo for free, let alone one for $184.99 (with framing!) outside of LeBron James? Because we all know the King thought he was the best point guard in the draft that year.

Shabazz has a fantastic name but his NBA career hasn’t exactly taken off, with career averages of 2.6 points and 0.9 assists, with his tenure in Miami lasting a whopping 51 games back during the2014-15 season.

It got me thinking what other strange items related to Miami sports were out there and, wow, there are many.

Note: The idea for this was modeled (poorly) after Drew Magary’s annual Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma catalogue on Deadspin, which is legendary.

Miami Dolphins Hello Kitty backpack


$17.24 (originally $29.99!)

Is there someone out there who is a big enough fan of both Hello Kitty and the Miami Dolphins to have this fact broadcasted on his or her back?

Highly doubtful.

The designer of this bag created the smallest possible target audience in the history of product development by crossing these two brands. It’s like deciding to wake up one morning and dip a chocolate bar in ketchup.

Miami Marlins dirt capsule




If only this dirt was pissed on by Jeffrey Loria, then people would buy it because we’d have major sympathy with the dirt considering we’ve been getting similar treatment for years.

This us leads us to the unthinkable…

2004 Topps Fan Favorites Jeffrey Loria signed baseball card



Ebay should be ashamed and so should Topps for making the card, which they mysteriously labeled under their “fan favorites” edition. I’d be shocked if Loria’s approval rating was above 1 percent, both inside his own family and across South Florida.

Other blasphemous Loria Ebay items include:

A signed business card ($54.99)… which actually has Loria’s active cell phone number on it.


A signed World Series photo ($34.99)…


A signed baseball ($9.99)…


And a signed bag of Jeffrey’s excrement ($1).

One of those was untrue.

Jay Fiedler signed Sports Illustrated Cover



Anyone else have no recollection of Jay Fiedler ever gracing the cover of SI?

It apparently came amid Miami’s 2-0 start in 2001, after Fiedler led them on a game-winning drive in the final seconds against Oakland. He finished with two rushing touchdowns, including the one to put them ahead for good with seconds remaining.

These are all ridiculous products that will never ever be sold but are you ready to get weird? Let’s get weird.

Really weird.

Mario Chalmers game-used Miami Heat black under jersey compression tank top



Hello, bargain of the holiday season. If money was no object, I’d buy this for my dad as a sick joke, who never typed Chalmers in a text or email without the word “fucking” preceding it.

How does one come across a worn undergarment of a professional athlete? Is the seller his housekeeper? A former lover? Does wearing the tank provide the user with a supreme sense of self-confidence?

Being that this is an Ebay item, you can make an offer.

I did.


You have 47 hours to accept, expo27, and I have so many questions for you.

I’ll let you guys know if my $1 bid for a piece of Mario Chalmers history proves to be successful. Don’t you dare outbid me.