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“No disrespect to D-Wade, but it’s Waiters County now,” Dion Waiters chirped from his locker moments after the Miami Heat thrashed the visiting Detroit Pistons. “He left this glorious city bitching for more paper. Turned his back on the fans, bruh. I came in for a fraction of what I’m really worth and I plan on staying for a long ass time.”
Waiters has erupted over his last five games, averaging 25.2 points, 4.2 rebounds, and 4.6 assists while shooting 52 percent from both the floor and three-point line — all were Heat wins. He’s so hot right now he keeps a bucket of kerosene in his locker, because he says, “I gotta keep the flame burning.”
“Even heard a fan call me D-Waders the other day. It’s kinda funny but I find it disrespectful, to be honest with you. Love my fans but hell, I’m better than Wade ever was. People don’t realize I been getting slept on for YEARS. There’s no doubt in my mind I’m the most talented player to ever grace this earth and I will go down as the greatest of all time — no disrespect to MJ. You see Wade try to guard me the other night? Dude is so slow he had to choke me to slow me down, like a fourth grader trying to hang with a high schooler.”
It’s likely Mr. Waiters is referring to the following sequence.
When your son is finally better than you and you get bitter pic.twitter.com/aulu2vEY2N
— Josh Baumgard (@joshbaumgard) January 28, 2017
“These last few games are just a glimpse of what I’m capable of,” Waiters says, as his media availability comes to a close. “Shit I’m not even in peak shape yet. I’ll leave you with this: the Miami Heat gonna win the title this year, Dion Waiters will be holding that MVP trophy, and I’m re-signing for a max deal this summer — all guaranteed. You’ll see.”
Welcome to Waiters County.