Dear Philadelphia, Joel Embiid, and obnoxious Sam Hinkie acolytes,
I kindly request you to please SHUT your clattery morbid mouths.
Consider the following diatribe a cease-and-desist letter on behalf of our beloved Erik Spoelstra, who unequivocally should be the NBA’s Coach of the Year this season.
You are to NEVER utter the word “process” again. Doing so is an act of ignorance, theft, and if the courts had any sense it’d be punishable by federal prison. You may have collectively purged from your memory the Miami Heat’s mini-dynasty from 2010 to 2014, but we Miamians have not.
I’d say Embiid should be suspended for merely attempting to trademark “the process” — the gall of that man — but he’d have to be actually playing basketball for that to make any sense. I don’t know if it’s the bitter cold numbing your brains or perhaps those overrated cheesesteaks are destroying y’all at a cellular level, but it’s time to learn some history.
It’s pretty simple: Erik Spoelstra invented “the process.”
Erik Spoelstra, on growing closer with the Big 3: "I've had lunch with everybody on the team. That process will also take time."
— Ira Winderman (@IraHeatBeat) September 27, 2010
No, really. Check out these timestamps.
Spoelstra says Orlando and Boston "look right now in December form." Heat has to catch up, but won't rush the process with D-Wade.
— Joseph Goodman (@JoeGoodmanJr) October 12, 2010
In case y’all have trouble counting, 2010 comes before 2013. And 2013 was the year Hinkie was eventually hired by the Sixers.
Spoelstra: "Some people expected ti to happen right away. But we have to go through the process and develop.
— Dave Hyde (@davehydesports) November 12, 2010
I’ll say it again: Spo invented “the process.”
Erik Spoelstra: "We're not there. We did not play well tonight. But, again, we have a different timeline and this is going to be a process"
— Ira Winderman (@IraHeatBeat) November 12, 2010
I could be wrong, but I don't think Spoelstra used the word "process" once. Dark day indeed.
— Bill Reiter (@sportsreiter) November 23, 2010
Time to guess what overused words we hear from Spoelstra during the interview. I'll go with "process."
— Brian Mahoney (@briancmahoney) December 3, 2010
Erik Spoelstra, again, tells ESPN the Heat "have to go through the process." Tonight, they're going through the food processor, on puree.
— Ira Winderman (@IraHeatBeat) March 5, 2011
According to @tomhaberstroh, Erik Spoelstra has used the word "process" 6,000 times this season.
— Shandel Richardson (@ShandelRich) May 23, 2011
Note: Anytime “the process” is mentioned in relation to Philly going forward in this letter, it will be presented with a strikethrough because it is obviously not the true process, birthed by Spo.
Now the confusion resulting over the difference in how each side interprets the phrase is completely understandable. Philly’s
process is built on losing. Losing on purpose. Losing to enhance one’s draft lottery standing in the hope you’ll eventually land elite young talent because anytime you can torture a fan base for over 1,000 days, why not do that?
Miami’s “process” during the LeBron Era, featured heavily in the Book of Spoisms, was about staying the course — another Spoism (steal this and you’ll get another cease and desist) — and embracing the adversity that came naturally with the creation of a villainous super team. That team’s core was comprised of three superstars who needed to rewire their basketball brains to achieve the cohesiveness necessary to contend for championships. While the national media siphoned out any possible ounce of drama after each early loss, Spo trusted “the process.”
process has netted them a thousand draft picks, sure, but the only player they have we know for a fact is any good has played 31 of a possible 246 games in his career. That process was about losing, racking up 199 losses over three years.
The other, true “process” was about winning, resulting in two titles amid four NBA Finals appearances.
Do you think Miami Heat Beat would sell a “trust the process” shirt with Spo’s face on it if he hadn’t injected the phrase into the NBA?
So one could understand, when presented with these two alternative “processes,” how Miami fans become irritated whenever we hear that embezzled phrase come out of Sixers “Nation.” And the fact you Sixers fans think “the process” began in Philly is beyond insulting.
Philly, Embiid, and Hinkites, you are never, under any condition, to use the phrase again. Stop being ignorant assholes and pay your respect to its one true creator.
Erik Spoelstra invented the goddamn “process.”