Dear Philadelphia, Joel Embiid, and obnoxious Sam Hinkie acolytes,

I kindly request you to please SHUT your clattery morbid mouths.

Consider the following diatribe a cease-and-desist letter on behalf of our beloved Erik Spoelstra, who unequivocally should be the NBA’s Coach of the Year this season.

You are to NEVER utter the word “process” again. Doing so is an act of ignorance, theft, and if the courts had any sense it’d be punishable by federal prison. You may have collectively purged from your memory the Miami Heat’s mini-dynasty from 2010 to 2014, but we Miamians have not.

I’d say Embiid should be suspended for merely attempting to trademark “the process” — the gall of that man — but he’d have to be actually playing basketball for that to make any sense. I don’t know if it’s the bitter cold numbing your brains or perhaps those overrated cheesesteaks are destroying y’all at a cellular level, but it’s time to learn some history.

It’s pretty simple: Erik Spoelstra invented “the process.”

No, really. Check out these timestamps.

In case y’all have trouble counting, 2010 comes before 2013. And 2013 was the year Hinkie was eventually hired by the Sixers.

I’ll say it again: Spo invented “the process.”





Note: Anytime “the process” is mentioned in relation to Philly going forward in this letter, it will be presented with a strikethrough because it is obviously not the true process, birthed by Spo.

Now the confusion resulting over the difference in how each side interprets the phrase is completely understandable. Philly’s process is built on losing. Losing on purpose. Losing to enhance one’s draft lottery standing in the hope you’ll eventually land elite young talent because anytime you can torture a fan base for over 1,000 days, why not do that?

Miami’s “process” during the LeBron Era, featured heavily in the Book of Spoisms, was about staying the course — another Spoism (steal this and you’ll get another cease and desist) — and embracing the adversity that came naturally with the creation of a villainous super team. That team’s core was comprised of three superstars who needed to rewire their basketball brains to achieve the cohesiveness necessary to contend for championships. While the national media siphoned out any possible ounce of drama after each early loss, Spo trusted “the process.”

Philly’s process has netted them a thousand draft picks, sure, but the only player they have we know for a fact is any good has played 31 of a possible 246 games in his career. That process was about losing, racking up 199 losses over three years.

The other, true “process” was about winning, resulting in two titles amid four NBA Finals appearances.

Do you think Miami Heat Beat would sell a “trust the process” shirt with Spo’s face on it if he hadn’t injected the phrase into the NBA?

So one could understand, when presented with these two alternative “processes,” how Miami fans become irritated whenever we hear that embezzled phrase come out of Sixers “Nation.” And the fact you Sixers fans think “the process” began in Philly is beyond insulting.

Philly, Embiid, and Hinkites, you are never, under any condition, to use the phrase again. Stop being ignorant assholes and pay your respect to its one true creator.

Erik Spoelstra invented the goddamn “process.”