The following is a REAL, un-edited, legitimate, faux open letter from Dion Waiters, leader of Waiters County and true defender of the basketball realm. 

Heat Nation, have no fear.

For I, Dion Waiters, am nearing my return and will resume destroying the souls of our enemies. Within my sights are LeBron James and the phony Cleveland Cavaliers. I already sense his fear.

I’ve decided to let y’all in on a little secret: I was never hurt. I faked it. For I am a basketball deity incapable of injury. I am Dion, true son of black Zeus and never have my powers been stronger. It’s all part of my plan.

So why have I missed these last few weeks? Well, under my unstoppable greatness, I feared we’d climb too high in the standings. While other teams quiver at the thought of playing Bron in Round 1, I CRAVE it. For the prediction is pain, and I will not play victim. I will embarrass the one they call king and take his throne.

The plan has always been to make the playoffs, but just barely, and face the queen in the opening round. You thought my early season injury was real too? LOL. There’s a reason we’re a different team when I’m in the lineup just as there’s a reason it’s Waiters County and no longer Wade County.

Y’all throw around “G.O.A.T.” like it means something but in reality it’s just a placeholder for “DION.”

I will sweep Bron in Round 1 en route to leading my Miami Heat army to its fourth championship. We’ll win the next six titles too so dudes like Skip Bayless can finally shut the fuck up about Michael Jordan, another imposter masquerading as a basketball god. For DION is the true GOAT. All others before me have been mere band-aids.

I still scratch my head at that sorry-ass organization in Cleveland for trading me, the best player in their franchise’s pitiful history. They call it “the land” when it should be “the gland.” As in the booty gland. The only thing that comes from that place is shit.

While my powers were elite before they’re even stronger now. Under the tutelage of Pat Riley, my earth father, I’ve entered super-elite status. Never have I felt more Invincible… I’m still pissed at Wahlberg for stealing MY movie title. Asshole.

The return of the great Dion is near. That sound you hear is LeBron’s soul being consumed with fear.