Q: Since Pat Riley and the Miami Heat are all about “bringing it back” this summer, why not sign Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley? Don’t you think it would push them over the top into contention? — Mario
A: I’m with you, Rio. Wait a second–is this Mario Chalmers? (The email address is MarioFuckingChalmers@gmail.com) … Anyway, I agree 120 percent! Miami needs another point guard and who better than the point god himself?
Rumor has it that not only has he extended his range to 30 feet but he’s added four more children to the Chalmers roster, with four new baby mamas. Clearly that stroke remains potent and he’s in dire need of a paycheck. As for Beas, any team in the NBA could use his services. I don’t mean his superstar abilities on the court but his blunt-rolling perfection, which is ELITE. Not Joe Flacco elite — we’re talking Aaron Rodgers elite. I’ve seen it firsthand.
The only potential problem I see with bringing the dynamic duo back into the fold is it’s possible James Johnson, Dion Waiters, and Wayne Ellington will fatten back up because of the nostril-invading second-hand smoke bound to permeate the locker room. Culture is no match for a Beasley Blunt. The munchies would be the only thing standing between this roster and the Heat’s fourth title.
Q: Will this be a regular column and what’s something we don’t know about your twin brother, Ira? — James
A: Yes, this will be a weekly Q&A most likely, unless I’m hungover of course. As far as Ira, he has a stash of nude photos of every single Heat player (for blackmail purposes), covering the franchise’s entire existence. LeBron James has a little secret.
Have a question for Tyra? Email her at TyraWinderman@hotmail.com