“It’s not you, it’s me.”
It’s a common cliché used to terminate relationships with a lame inaccurate excuse that leads to the inevitable eye roll from the dumpee because of course it’s “you” if you’re the one getting dumped.
Well, in the case of my relationship with the Miami Dolphins, it’s the opposite.
It’s not me, it’s you, 100 percent you. You’re an abusive, soul-sucking franchise hellbent on removing all joy from my life and the lives of thousands, perhaps millions of others around the globe.
Last night’s eyesore of a loss to the Carolina Panthers on Monday Night Football — somehow this team will be on national television FIVE times by season’s end — was the breaking point. What launched me on the verge of the break-up was my wife asking why I put myself through the same ordeal each week when it inevitably ends in misery and a waste of three-plus prime weekend hours.
Wife: “Are you watching the Dolphins game live tonight?”
Me: “Think so.”
Wife: “Why continue to do something that makes you miserable?
— Josh Baumgard (@joshbaumgard) November 14, 2017
And this is coming from someone who already refuses to go to the games. Never mind the fact you can’t pay me to attend but just thinking about those who’ve shredded thousands of dollars on tickets to endure the pain in person while devouring six hours of your Sunday makes me want to puke.
Some may question the timing of the break-up considering the Dolphins sit just one game back of a playoff spot but don’t let their record fool you. This squad is putrid and it’s reckless to watch them sober.
The Dolphins reek by every available indicator of team strength. Their point differential is fourth worst in the NFL, just 10 points better than the winless Browns. They’re the lowest scoring team in the league, one that registered their first rushing touchdown of the season NINE GAMES in. They rank dead last in Football Outsiders’ total efficiency metric.
The most entertaining part of their season, by far, was their cocaine-inhaling offensive line coach getting fired after a stripper (his “cocaine platter”) outed him by posting a video of the man snorting lines. I don’t really blame the nosedive considering his unit, despite possessing three first-rounders, continues to be among the worst in all of football.
It comes down to a very simple formula: Watching your favorite sports team should be looked at no differently watching Netflix or going to a restaurant. If a show or movie isn’t entertaining, I sure as hell ain’t wasting my time watching it especially when episode after episode breeds the same exact result.
And if we liken this Miami Dolphins season to a Netflix offering, it’s Fuller House, and nowhere near Stranger Things. In fact, Rotten Tomatoes’ critic consensus of the former sums up the Dolphins perfectly.
Only it should be stopped after “little to offer anyone.”
If the Miami Dolphins were a restaurant, it’d be of the one-star variety with rats crawling on the walls. The food always sucks and the staff promises they’re going to do better next time. Would you continue to go back?
Miami Dolphins games, whether watching it in person or on TV, should be viewed no different than products. We are the consumers. In what other industry featuring a consumer-product relationship would the consumer continue to support — both financially and emotionally — a low-quality product? Think about that for a moment.
And the Dolphins’ stink is so much more evident now that the Miami Hurricanes are back and are thrilling us from the very same stadium. I won’t do it but I really want to write a why-the-Canes-defense-can-take-the-Dolphins-offense column.
Life is too short to flush about 20 percent of your Sundays from August to December down the toilet. Life is way too short to be a diehard fan of this miserable franchise. Yes, they made the playoffs last year but was the experience at all that enjoyable?
And if you were to say this way of thinking makes me a bandwagon fan, you are accurate. Being a fair-weather fan is actually wise because smart consumers do not support bad products.
I know this team is going to disappoint me. I know that 80 percent of the time they will not be entertaining. So why do we fans really endure this abuse week after week? Let’s head to Psychology Today for why people stick around in abusive relationships:
They don’t stay for the pain. Their desperate, often palpable hope, if you sit in the room with them, is that the abuse will go away.
Just like I hope the stink emanating from Davie will wash away eventually.
And they tend to block out all evidence to the contrary. In point of fact, they stay for love. Many abuse survivors cling to the positive traits in their partners — like being affectionate and reliable. In one study, more than half of the abuse survivors saw their partners as “highly dependable.”
Well, Kenyan Drake did look great these past couple weeks. Plus, they’re only one game out of the six seed and they play the terrible Bucs next! And Adam Gase has the ability to, get this, WHISPER TO HIS QUARTERBACK.
Many others suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, one symptom of which is dissociation, which often creates such profound detachment from the reality of the abuse that sufferers scarcely remember being hurt at all.
Did the Dolphins really give Kiko Alonso and Andre Branch a combined $34 million guaranteed? (Note: They currently rank 71st and 85th at their respective positions by Pro Football Focus, respectively.) … You know, I don’t really remember that. Tannenbaum wouldn’t do that, he’s a good Jewish boy (Note: I’m Jewish).
We lost by a combined 60 points to the Ravens and Saints this season? … That doesn’t really ring a bell. Think that was from a few years ago. Besides, even if it did happen, we’re a different team now because the NFL really is like 16 one-week seasons.
Did you know Xavien Howard, drafted 38th overall in 2016, ranks second to last among ALL cornerbacks graded by PFF? … Man, that’s fake news. Omar Kelly said he looked GREAT in camp.
So, Miami Dolphins, we are finished for now — let’s call it a LONG break. You can attempt to call me when, more like if, you ever get your shit together but until then kindly lose my phone number.
So I will not watch this team going forward the rest of the season and I recommend you do the same. They just don’t deserve our eye balls, certainly not our cash, and especially not our time. Time is our most valuable commodity considering it’s finite.
I’ll still check in on them here and there, especially considering I somehow have FOUR Dolphins on my fantasy team but I am no longer emotionally or financially committed to this franchise. And this goes for any sports team for that matter. I haven’t watched a Marlins game in years.
Life is short. Do what makes you happy. Don’t waste your time. If you’re a diehard fan who can’t break the tradition of watching games with friends and family, that’s certainly your prerogative but being a so called fair-weather fan is a more logical way of looking at it.
Personally, I’m through. It’s not me, Miami Dolphins, it’s YOU.